1. - You should be very discriminating on free internet dating sites. Do you want to hook up with cheapskates? Criminals and weirdoes are more common on them too. Some people want to get hitched to get a passport. Some want to get you to send them money for airfare or their sick mother; these are scams. Some women are searching for ’sugar daddies’; a man to leech off of. Some are looking for someone who’ll put up with their intolerable behaviour; the very opposite of a loving relationship, where both parties look for ways to make the _other_ person happier. Conversely, if somebody has had to cough up some cash to join a dating site it means they are a bit more earnest and they’ve got a credit or debit card; a bit more comforting, but you can still easily land a wacko.

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2. - In any correspondence (email or paper or discussion boards or chat rooms), obey the following rules: Be polite and conventional to begin with. Do not assume familiarity with an absolute stranger. Do not utilize lecherous words or swear-words or blather about violent or cruel acts. Women hate this kind of thing, and it makes them fearful; “uh-oh, another net weirdie!” Don’t boast. Play Up your nicest qualities and your status in the course of the correspondence, but don’t brag. Listen to what she has to say, and talk about HER and her pursuits. Don’t badger her. If she doesn’t want to talk, or doesn’t reply, don’t bug her. Silence is an answer in itself. She may be occupied, she may have received mail from other guys initially, or she just ain’t interested. Again, you don’t want to be seen as a pest-weirdo-stalker. For your own sake, you should try to get a photograph of her as soon as is polite. A photo speaks a thousand words, and you may save yourself a lot of exertion. Even then, photographs can be old or faked or photoshopped, so ask for photographs from her recent holiday, or the like.

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3. - Paid internet dating sites are a better bet. Better yet is a specialist one. You reckon you’re open to all offers. In fact, in the back of your mind, you have a very specific set of criteria. Bring them to the foreground. Do you like slim or plump, tall or short, blonde or brunette, college-educated or not, extrovert or introverted? It’s smart also to go for people who are of the same faith as you. You might think it’s not crucial now, but when her kinfolk start getting engaged in your kid’s upbringing, it will matter a very great deal.

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4. - Race, religion and nationality are consequential. Carefree twenty-somethings think they aren’t. Married thirty-somethings find they are, to their regret. When you marry person, you link up two families. Someplace down the line race, religion or nationality will become _very_ consequential. Of these three, I think religion is the most important; it affects rudimentary beliefs about the nature of the cosmos and your position in it. In Catholicism, for example, the Catholic in a mixed marriage has to give an undertaking to rear any children as Catholics. If you don’t cover that issue before getting married, you have set the timer on a bomb which could damage or break-up your marriage. A non-religious Muslim may re-discover his faith in his 40’s; this could be a big problem for his non-Muslim wife. If your in-laws are of a different religion and you require their assistance or they start interfering in your marriage… forget Hollywood; it produces lies and fantasy. You don’t live in an urban, disconnected bubble when you get married, unlike young singles who ’shack up’ together. This is why Catholics have a six-month lead-in period to marriage; if their priest is a conservative and thoroughgoing, they will be asked some searching questions before they can walk down the aisle. And a good thing too! The world doesn’t need any more divorces and fatherless children, and the wretchedness such things cause.

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5. - Find someone who lives or works near you. A twenty-mile radius is about the limit; five-to-ten would be better. If you can’t get together easily you don’t have a relationship; it’s harder to go to a pub or a cafe or just go for a walk together spontaneously. Long-distance relationships only work for married people, for a short time; even then, soldiers still get divorced or the missus commits adultery or he does.

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6. - You have to give the impression that you are confident, moneyed, powerful, (and tender in private with her). If you don’t have these qualities, fake them. Women need to see potential, and the origin of the word potential is the Latin ‘potentia’, meaning power.

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Got a real-life date? Great! Here are a few more tips …

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7. - Grooming: A man should be clean, fresh smelling, have well-cared for hands and feet, have clean socks, underwear and clothes, have ironed clothes, have a face that is clean shaven, or with a well-kept beard.

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8. - While you first make eye contact, smile. If she smiles back, you’re in. Then go up, and say hello. After that, take your cue from her. She likes you, so you don’t have to jabber. You can say the most trite things; it’s your appearance, and the sound of your voice, that’re doing most of the work. If you’re uneasy, just tell yourself: “plenty more fish in the sea if I mess this up”. Which is true!

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Free online dating service

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9. - Most crucial: Avoid embarrassing your date in public. Women hate to be the centre of attention for the wrong reasons. If you’re behaving like a little boy or an obnoxious brute you’re using up your credit every second that ticks by.

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10. - Social skills: A man should ideally be gregarious, with a coterie of jovial friends. He ought be able to hold knowledgeable discussions on an extensive variety of subjects. A man should be observant. He ought to acknowledge when a woman has changed her appearance. He ought to notice when she is unhappy. When necessitated he should not stay silent, but offer compliments or understanding. He should, however, also know that no knight ever won a fair lady by being meek and mild. You’re not obliged to put up with narcissistic behaviour. Don’t take women’s ‘crises’ too seriously. They certainly don’t. One day all is lost, the next day all is well. A strong man holds it all in. A strong woman (or a nutcase!) explodes. Regularly.

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11. - Some women hanker for a man who is ‘macho’, tyrannical, even a little bit cruel. Emphasis on the little bit. You keep her attention by seeming to be complex and unpredictable. You may act tyrannical, dominating, even a little sadistic. Check her responses closely when you do. If she takes pleasure in submitting to you, a spark in her eye, a suddenly more positive response to you; you may be dealing with a woman who has a masochistic motive to be mistreated and controlled. If such conduct comes easily to you, it can be very efficacious with such a woman. One caveat; masochists like their pain on THEIR terms ultimately. You’ll need to take your cue from her, not just shove her about haphazardly. Moderation is key here.

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12. - A bad habit: smoking. If you smoke, you’re cutting yourself off from the company of legions of women. I know the weed is diabolically difficult to kick. The brain craves it. But many women won’t go out with you if you smoke. Apart from the outcome on your health, it makes your hair and clothes to smell terrible, and your mouth to savour of an ashtray. Give the grubby habit up, and spend the cash you save turning yourself out nicely.

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13. - Smiling and touching: A smile shows that you are well disposed towards somebody. Ensure you stand the correct distance away. Near, but not ‘in her face’. You are focusing on her, and her alone; with your soft-spoken jests and earnest interest in what she is saying, you draw her nearer. Nod, smile, chuckle, tease her. Touch her arm while speaking to her. A slightly prurient remark may be fitting, to test how far you can go. You need to drive out the idea that you might be ‘just being chummy’.

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14. - A snazzy car is an important plus in your search for l’amour. Second-hand sports or classic autos can cost just as much as a new ’sensible’ car, and are a lot more fun. Screw the fuel consumption and the insurance! Women say they disapprove of big muscles in men and their big autos. What they really mean is they dislike men who are obsessed with or who are nothing more than their big muscles or their big cars. If you have both, and can project sensitiveness and authority, you’re three-quarters’ way home. Failing this, get an auto with character like a Morris Minor or a VW Beetle. What you’re targeting is the kind of auto a lady would like to be be found in. If it’s fashion models you want, you need a flash auto. If it’s arty-crafty types, get a ‘character’ car. It depends on your social milieu, and your own persona i.e. a student in a liberal arts faculty would look odd with a BMW, but upon reflection I think he’d be quite popular! Even the fact that you have any kind of car at all will be a bonus; ladies like to be chauffeured, and it opens up many more romantic possibilities. Just keep in mind it’s only a prop in your ‘act’.

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15. - You’ll have a great deal more self-assurance if you’ve got some cash in the bank, a flat and a motorcar of your own; these ought to be a priority. You ought to also dress well. Dressing well means your appearance oozes power: you’re in control of your destiny. Women like to be looked after; project that you can do that, and you’re half-way home. Your personal circumstances likewise affect how you behave: a man who is actually well-to-do will project that unconsciously, and be more successful with women.

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16. - Romance: Champagne, moonlight, soft words eloquently uttered, and flowers are arousing to most women. Those who try to get on with women, and talk easily about their pre-occupations, are more successful with women, than less thoughtful types.

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17. - Women want you to like and look up to and care for them. Casanova was successful with women not because he was good-looking (he was rather plain), but because he truly appreciated them. The archetypical latin lover is very solicitous and complimentary to his quarry, and treats her like a princess, a donna. He says she is the most exquisite woman in the world, and means it. Oh, she laughs at this, but see how she glows too. Most men treat women like an alien specie, or objects to be acquired, as s-x toys, or as cranky incoherent nuisances. A man that accepts a woman precisely as she is, with genuine admiration, can have any woman he wants.

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18. - Conspicuous consumption shows that you are not stingy with your cash. Demonstrate this by spending some on her, or giving her some! Don’t be a tomfool, however; if the interpersonal chemistry ain’t there, on BOTH sides, move on. You can’t pester or bribe a woman into loving you, ‘though they may be loath to turn away a ’sugar daddy’ entirely. When true love strikes, you’ll both know it; accept no alternative!

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19. - Examine your responses to women objectively. You’ll find that a favourite type emerges: slim or plump, brunette or fair, extrovert or introvert. There’s a pop or movie star that you can’t help but gawp at when she’s on the screen. There’s a type that causes your head to swivel when you’re walking down the street. That’s the type you should go for; the one that arouses an automatic, positive response. You’ll find it easier to talk to this kind of girl. If you have found your true love she’ll feel the same way about you. You have genes that’ll help her make a better baby; she does the same for you.

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20. - Don’t over-think it. We are pulled to a certain type, with whom we can make a better baby; more robust, fitter, brighter, better accommodated to its environs. Other types just don’t click with us, ‘though we can acknowledge intellectually they are attractive. It’s a heart thing, a guts thing, and parts lower down. The head merely gives its acquiescence to a decision already made.

I hope these few beginner pointers will assist you in finding a nice girl through online and offline dating.

Women think that men think like women.
Men think that women think like men.

A woman does this:

Prepares a meal of food she likes - bitter, lean, salady, light, and expects her date to like it;
Borrows a romantic DVD, with plenty of crying;
Wears a scent *she* likes;
Dresses to please her mainly female colleagues;
Keeps company with women, and acts in solidarity with them;
Trades secrets with other women, and feels empowered by so doing;
Has deep and wide-ranging feelings;
Is concerned with the feelings of those around her;
Abhors dirt and disorder;
Rages and cries at the smallest thing, once a month;
Words mean whatever she’s feeling at the time;

A man does this:

Not too fussed about food - likes heavy, sweet, stodgy grub;
Borrows an action or comic DVD, with no sob-stuff;
A quick wash under the armpits and we’re good to go;
Dresses to intimidate other men;
Happily keeps company with men, women, criminals, a dog, anything, as long as it doesn’t talk too much;
Trades mock punches, slaps on the back, cruel jokes, and has a good laugh;
One mood, all the time;
Is not too bothered about other people’s feelings, unless he’s done something *really* bad;
Secretly enjoys living in his own filth;
Last cried a few years ago, and did it in private;
Words mean as the dictionary defines them;

Now, how can these two distinct creatures ever get together?

Simple. Each has to start thinking like the other, just a little bit. Each has to research the other’s fantasy world, and reflect it back to the object of desire.

A good source of research is the magazine rack in your local supermarket. Men should look at womens’ magazines, and vice-versa. Men will discover that women fantasise about men who are:

Pretty-boys;
Slim;
Muscular (like a swimmer, not a weight-lifter);
Fashionably dressed;
Patrician;
Tight-fitting trousers;
Attentive;
Wealthy;
Powerful;
Confident;
Popular;
Makes her laugh;
Takes charge;
Can discuss his feelings occasionally;
Yet isn’t a wet dish-cloth;

Women will discover that men fantasise about:

Hussies.

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist that.)

Men fantasise about women who are:

Pretty;
Good size bust;
Exotic (foreign);
Flirtatious;
Tight-fitting top;
A hint of underclothing ‘accidentally’ revealed;
Just might be a bit ‘naughty’;
Laughs at his jokes;
Has a strong personality (extrovert, introvert, doesn’t matter);

Ladies: Men may bed a hussy, but they tend not to marry one. They won’t bring a wildcat or crazed neurotic home to mother.

For men, physical types vary. Not all gentlemen prefer blondes. Beauty is a matter of proportion. YOU may think your nose/bottom/breasts are too big/small. Don’t listen to your neuroses, or female friends who try to subtly undermine you, or lie to you to boost your confidence.

Get a few photos taken of yourself in tight clothes, put said photos in a drawer for a week, then glance at them again.

Your immediate reaction is probably the correct one.

Understand that men are in the grip of a powerful compulsion. *Any* woman can be attractive to *some* man. You just have to put yourself in his way. Staying at home, keeping to the same circle of friends, the same routine, won’t help. Go to where there are men of the calibre you desire. And look at them.

Gentlemen: You have to give the impression that you are confident, wealthy, powerful, (and sensitive in private with her). If you don’t have these qualities, fake them. Women need to see potential, and the origin of the word potential is the Latin ‘potentia’, meaning power.

How will you know if a girl is interested in you? She gives you a second glance. Try smiling. If she smiles back, you’re in!

It’s a myth that men gain women by chasing them. Women assess men, then give the big gits ‘the come on’. You just need the confidence to walk over and say hello.

If you can think of a witty remark, make one. If you can’t, just smile. Say hello. Ask a pertinent question. Then listen to what she has to say. Which, if she likes you, will be a lot.

Lastly: don’t over-think it. We are attracted to a certain type, with whom we can make a better baby; more robust, healthier, smarter, better adapted to its environment. Other types just don’t click with us, ‘though we can acknowledge intellectually they are attractive. It’s a heart thing, a guts thing, and parts lower down. The head merely gives its assent to a decision already made.

The shame is not that you don’t find your onely love; the shame is in not making yourself available to your destiny, and giving life your all. Go to!

T. O’ Donnell is the author of ‘The Black Book Of Power’, a free personal development ebook, and lives in London, UK.